Golden Gloves to Hemline: Pt. 4 Manly Meadurements

…I have not been sleeping much….Our bed hovers over Chie’s sewing space. In that sewing space sits, what will forever be known as “The Machine”. It is a machine, an inanimate object, surely I know this….but still, I feel at times, it senses me, it knows I am there and it mocks me. Sometimes as I hear Chie sewing, I can, in not sew (hahahahaha still funny) audible words hear “The Machine” speak. It never speaks kind words mind you. It always says the same thing….”Andy, Andy, come on down, try and make me work….try and make me sew…..try and make a skirt, it won’t be so hard.” And then….it laughs that laugh! That mocking laugh. It is possessed and the only way to conquer “The Machine” is to beat it, to beat it at its own game.

So, we push forward. Onto chapter 2 “Using Patterns”. Apparently patterns are really important. Some chick named Coco used the same pattern a lot and now is pretty famous. Sounds like a lazy designer if you ask me. I watched Heidi Klum make people on Project Runway make dress for drag queens out of toilet paper and car parts…let’s see Mssssss. Coco do that!

Back to business, Tara St. James says “I like to play with patterns…” I like to play with video games, to each their own, I guess. Many patterns are based off of rectangles and squares, which are then manipulated into other shaps. That’s good. I can handle 4 sided objects. Allison, it seems hated patterns for a while and instead, for years,just wrapped fabric around herself like a mummy and sewed. Kind of ghetto, but I’m down with that. The patterns in this book seem pretty moron proof, they have “Front” and “Back” printed on them. We have been reduced to kindergartners, perhaps the main class is not sew (yup, still funny) far beyond me. I am a bit confused because it says that the book patterns include ‘style lines’ and ‘darts’. What the what now? Did I miss a page or a chapter somewhere.What the hell are either of those? SHHHHHHHH….Don’t tell I don’t know what those are, she will do one of the dances again. The sizing page looks very familiar to something else…what is it? Oh yeah,the periodic tables of elements. A-w-e-s-o-m-e! I failed chemistry. Why are Burda sizes different from U.S. sizes? And the bigger question is, why are both sizes different from actual measured sizes? I think sizing would be more fun if instead of numbers they used animal names. Instead of size 0 a.k.a 32, call it ‘mouse’. Or instead of 14/46 call it elephant! I think that would be more fun. Sorry, I’m getting distracted.

Measuring Yourself, is the next section. I came up during the FUBU hip hop era, I haven’t the slightest idea what actual clothing size my body should be wearing. This should be interesting. I should try this now and then after I do a weight cut for my next fight, might be interesting to see how many inches I lose off my body before a fight. It is telling me how to measure my bust…do I really need that? Hip and waist I can see, but bust? God, my friends are going to mock me sew (Yes! I got 1 more in) bad for measuring my bust size. It wasn’t bad enough just sewing, but now this!

Well, here are my measurements ladies. Fatter than I should be but I’ll be slowly working my way down. I am curious what I am going to do with these measurements. All the clothes patterns in this books is book are for, you know, non-male types. The measurements will go to waste. Maybe there is a chickiddy that has the same measurements as me that I can make a dress for! Oh, on second thought I hope not…a women who could wear clothes for a man with an 18 inch neck and hips trained for 400lb squat repetitions is probably a women to be feared and avoided.

Bust: 40.5
Waist: 33
Hip: 35
Sleeve Length: 22
Neck Width: 15.5
Side Leg Length: 37
Front Waist Length:38
Upper Arm Circumference: 15

Well, today was productive, and best of all I didn’t have to fight “The Machine”. If only I could figure out how to avoid him/her (I can’t tell which gender it is) at night life would be perfect. Until next week ladies