Hello VV internet confidantes. I should have had an update recently about my sewing progress but……there is none and there has been no sewing as of late. Ooops!
But in any case, Chie asked me to drop in and update you all with our parental lives. A magazine contacted recently and asked to speak with me. Apparently my skills as a father have become well known in the community and they wanted to just come talk with me and bask in the glories of my fatherly care. Ok, that isn’t entirely true….but I do think that myself and Chie have done a respectable job raising this here piglet. So my thought on the matter is this, since #1 child is good let’s push our luck a little and try adopting.
Personally, I have felt adoption was a good and necessary thing for years. It upsets me that it is not done more and astounds me the rarity of adoption here in Japan. I will let Chie take you through some of the cultural Japanese stuff with adoption at some point but basically in Japan adoption is weird, scary and to be avoided ( a little like me I guess). Thankfully, Chie does not fall into the standard category and is all about the adoption process. I don’t remember when we first started talking about adoption but I don’t remember her ever putting up much resistance to the idea. I would be uncomfortable with pulling the trigger on adoption if I had to force Chie kicking and screaming. It is probably a hard enough venture without having one of the parents opposing the idea.
So, 5,6 months back, Chie and I could see that Kiko was turning out ok with no foreseeable ( as much as one can foresee such things) major physical/developmental problems we started to get that famous parental itch for more children. With Chie swearing off the idea of child birth ever again and literally crying at the mention of doing it again we figured now is the time for adoption. We had always sort of planned on the structure of our family being like this; make a baby, buy a baby, make a baby, buy a baby. 4 in total, 2 conceived and 2 acquired.
So we started contacting local agencies about adoption and foster care (I am interested in doing both but that is a little different and might require its own diary entry). In any case, we contacted 3 agencies to begin with. The first was the local governmental adoption agency. The second was a private group called ISSJ and the third was a private agency named Ai No Kesshin.
The governmental agency is hard to figure out. We first met with them a few months back. We went in for an interview, brought Kiko and were immediately told that our baby was beautiful, growing beautifully, being raised well and they had no interest in working with us for adoption/foster care. They said we had our own baby so would not want some orphan. In their opinions the other child would never be as attractive and wonderful as our child. Needless to say, I was taken aback. 1) I love my daughter but unless I’m missing something she has no angel wings and was not at the time of her birth brought into the world surrounded by a singing chorus of cherubim. She is my daughter and I love her but she is just like the other normal little baby girls born to mothers in the same hospital on the same day, nothing better nothing worse. 2)What in the @#$$%%^?!?! How could these government workers talk so flippantly and cold heatedly about orphaned children in their care? Long story short, they told us “NO”. I told Chie in my particular vernacular “Screw that and screw them who are they to tell me no!” After a few months of back and forth, we are now in the adoption/foster care classes offered by the government. They are still telling us no but in Japan I am pretty sure that “No” is the default answer to every request. Japanese people say no first and ask questions later. The easiest way to deal with this is to ignore them, say “Yes” and usually if your patient you will win the starring contest.
The other two agencies are great. Ai No Kesshin is a Christian org based in a prefecture named Shizuoka. They are not the quickest moving individuals but they are busy so I will cut them some slack. The other org, ISSJ is a Tokyo based social services agency. Both are very easy to work with. We received numerous application forms from Ai No Kesshin this week and have a meeting on Monday with ISSJ. You want to know the highlight of both these agencies? They both are English based services!!!! God bless them. My Japanese still isn’t winning any awards and sitting in the required meetings with the Japanese govt agency is a supreme stretch of my Japanese abilities.
The adoption process in general has been interesting. My parents are cool with the idea. Chie’s parents are coming around to the idea. As I said earlier, the idea of adoption for Japanese folk is weird. It is especially weird to want to adopt when (like Chie and I ) you are physically capable of making your own children. I forgot to mention that earlier, the other really weird comment from the Japanese govt agency people was that they told us how the adoption agency and the adoption process was “for couples who could not have their own children or for older couples who wanted to give back to society.” That’s weird, I thought adoption was for, you know, the orphan and for the love of this child here and now.
The adoption agencies keep asking us what “kind” of baby we want. That’s a weird question to answer, as though I’m at McDonald’s ordering a #4. The questionnaire literally has racial, gender etc criteria that you can check off as “Yes, I want” or “No, I don’t want”. What kind of ridiculous S.O.B conceives of adopting but then thinks to themselves “No, no a black kid just won’t do.” or “I want his baby to be a male child born of rich parents and genetically predisposed to towards professional athletics.” Ultimately, I am cool with whatever. Chie is also up for anything but seems to really be hoping for a Halfanese. she wants half black/half Japanese or half Filipino/half Jap. The more I think about it the more fun that would be. A few years from now, we all as a family go out to the store, me (very, very, very white), Chie (obviously Japannese), Kiko (some kind of weird mix but looks like me), and then a couple mixed kids who look nothing like Chie or me and are black, dark yellow or some other shade in the rainbow. People would be really confused.
I’m looking at the post, I’ve run a bit long. Sorry about that. I hope to fill you in more soon. What are yours guys’ thoughts on adoption? People usually have strong feeling and would be curious to know what this little global group thinks. If anyone has been through the process and/or been adopted and wants to drop their opinion I would love to hear it.
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Chie says
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susie says
ah. finally. can comment now. =). thanks for your honest post about adoption and the process. must be frustrating but i’m sure it’ll pay off in the long run! my bf and i been throwing ideas around, about adopting in the future. actually, more so him. i hestiated at first not bc i don’t want to but bc i don’t know how the child would accept if he/she knows that they are adopted and not biological even if you explain and nuture them like your own bc they are yours. the emotional part is what i was afraid of. we agree that we’ll adopt a girl (i know, perferences, bad) if i can’t bear a second child or if the first child is a boy. i personally would like to give birth first to at least 1 before considering adopting a baby. good luck! and sorry long comment!
Andy says
Susie,
Love reading the long comments. Hesitation is an honest feeling and no reason to pretend otherwise. it is without question an intimidating thing to do. Hope you enjoy the process of hashing things out in your own mind about your thoughts on the matter. It made for great discussions between Chie and I and am sure will do the same for you
Katrina Blanchalle says
Yippee, I can comment now!
I wanted to add to what I said in my email… One of the most beautiful sights, to me, is when I see a family of children in a rainbow of colors. Not only are the children lovely but it demonstrates the open love that the parents have for all children, not just a particular subset. I suppose there must be some families who are prejudiced, otherwise, the agencies would not be using the “fill out this order form” approach. It made me laugh the way you describe, it but it really isn’t a funny thing for the children. Aren’t there hundreds of millions of orphans in this world? Then shouldn’t the adoption agencies make things easier? Thank goodness for people like you two who are so generous.
Andy says
Katrina,
The choice options are like when you buy a new car. I was on the phone with one lady and she asked me the race preference question and I tried to be funny….I failed. She asked “do you have any racial preferences? I thought for a second and said “For religious reasons I can accept no blue children” She responded almost immediately with no hint of humor “ok, no blue children???”
Tara says
Hi Andy and Chie! First of all, I think it’s so great that you guys are adopting! People who have a lot of love and want to share that love to others via the process of adoption makes so much sense to me, so I applaud you two. Second, I agree that a mixed race family would be fun (not that a homogenous family is unfun, but you know what I mean…), but I would be concerned about the little annoying things you will most likely encounter with raising kids that don’t look like you in a relatively homogenous populated society. For example, strangers might say things or treat your kids differently based on what they look like, which is something you would have to deal with. I’m not saying this type of experience that is likely to happen should put you off to the thought of adoption, but it is something that should be expected. Also, I have heard stories of people having difficulty traveling when the children don’t look like them or don’t have the same surname (as in cases where the wife doesn’t necessarily adopt the husband’s last name or the kids have a different name from the mom). Like a passport isn’t enough and they need to carry around extra documents to prove the family association.
I probably shouldn’t say too much more since I actually don’t have kids and am unmarried, but these are just some things I’ve heard of from other people. Good luck with the rest of the adoption process and I hope you both are successful in expanding your family!
Andy says
Very helpful comment about travelling with kids being difficult. I had not considered that. Standing in the immigration line….”Ok, Mr. Duncan, your wife check, your daughter Sophia check, your son….Hernando….Sir why did you steal this Mexican boy?”
sarah says
I think it’s great!! All children need love and a family some never get that opportunity! I know lots of people that have adopted children of all different races and genders. I think the US is more open to this as a totally normal option. I never thought about what other countries social norms were on this topic.. Interesting read….
Sarah
Darsana says
Andy, thanks for sharing your thoughts on adoption, it’s really refreshing to hear such a lovely, expansive view of family and parenthood–I think the vision you and Chie have for your family is incredibly beautiful and I wish you luck in the difficult process of adopting!
Andy says
Darsana,
Many thanks. we shall see how this goes. In the end it will be worth it I am sure.
Ginger says
Hi, guys! I just wanted to wish you well in the adoption process! I think you two would be such kind and loving parents to a second child, and any child would be blessed to be a part of your family. It’s interesting to read about your experiences. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately– I’m married, but we don’t have any children, but have always thought that we would like to adopt. It breaks my heart that there are so many kids out there who don’t have a loving home, so I’ll be thinking about you guys and praying for you while you’re exploring this!
Andy says
Thanks Ginger.
Not sure if the kid would jump in line if they knew ahead of time that I would be their father but that which won’t kill him will only make him stronger. One heart breaking aspect I have often thought about while living in countries like America or Japan is that we could easily, with a minuscule amount of sacrifice, end many of the hardships that are experienced by these children.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
Rowan says
This was so interesting to read, thank you for sharing your story with us Andy!
I think it’s lovely of you guys to want to adopt a child and ridiculous that the gov agency tells you you’re not ‘suitable’ to adopt. I think you would give this baby all the love in the world, just as you give Kiko! And I was really surprised by the race and gender questions, how freaking ridiculous! People who care about that, shouldn’t adopt at all!
Anyway, I keep my fingers crossed for you guys!
Love,
Rowan
http://www.redreidinghood.com
Andy says
Rowan,
Many thanks. I am going to have to come up with some sarcastic responses to the race/gender preference questions. Unfortunately, Japanese don’t usually get sarcasm so my brilliant retort would only be enjoyed by me!
Rowan says
It’s so sad that they’re damn serious about these questions! And pathetic that they don’t get your sarcasm 😛
Rowan says
It’s so sad that they’re damn serious about these questions! And pathetic that they don’t get your sarcasm 😛
juebejue says
This is very interesting! I think i understand the reservation people have about adoption — but i think it would make an interesting life, for the parents, and definitely a better life for the adopted children! I actually just heard on npr an interview of three adopted children. one of them is a different race from their parents. another went back and connected with his birth parents, etc. it was interesting. my husband and i are thinking of adoption as an option (husband wants to raise a son) if our second one is a girl. and we are kind of attracted to the idea of a different race child. its going to be hard convincing my parents though!
Andy says
Jue,
The parents can be a tough sell. I’m hoping to win my father-in-law, in particular over without too much of a battle. Usually people seem both reserved, opposed but interested in the idea. The initially look at it like children watch horror movies, with hands covering their eyes but fingers slightly open to see whats going on.
Vicki says
Adoption is such a common thing in Canada that I find it hard to fathom the negative responses in different cultures. (I had one Serbian friend tell me flat out that she would never adopt because she wouldn’t love the child as much as she would love her biological children. Good, then don’t adopt, I thought. An adopted child doesn’t need a parent who plays favorites, do they?)
I have two adopted cousins (now adults) from mixed racial backgrounds, and when they came to our family back in the ’70s, my grandparents were a bit hesitant, and I’m sorry to say, a bit racist about it. Now they’ve come to love those grandchildren as all the others and no longer talk about black, native or mixed race people the same way. Babies have a way of changing people’s minds (and hearts) for the better. Good luck in the adoption journey!
And BTW, who the hell would pick a baby like they were ordering a pizza?!?
Andy says
Ha! Well said. Thanks for the laugh this morning
jen says
I would love to adopt but i dont think it will happen. I am pregnant with my 5th and my partner is putting his foot down about this being the last child to enter our family. Shame. I hope one day, when our own kids are much older, to convince him that fostering would be an amazing experience. Extremely challenging but rewarding. I actually kind of agree with the sex, race questions that they have on the forms. I personally wouldn’t care what a child’s background was but some people do, and not necessarily from a negative point of view. Some people feel that they could offer more culturally relevant identity to a child from the same background, the same language etc. I do know of parents that have struggled with this with adoptive children, they have tried to offer their adoptive child cultural experiences from their home country but this has been difficult without actually living in this country and the child has struggled with their identity. The same with appearances, it is wonderful that you like to idea of a “rainbow” family and i again, agree really it shouldn’t matter. BUT there are many many many racist people in this world and some people dont want to put their adoptive child through the stigma, negativity
jen says
…i continue…(!)
etc, of other people when they are often struggling to adjust to a world where difference is not necessarily embraced.
I love the fact your are going to adopt if you can. I am really excited to read about your adoption journey
Good luck!
jen
theperfectnose says
Good on you, I fully support your choice. We’re pretty decided on adopting instead of ‘giving birth to’ (we’re both physically able, we’d just rather adopt). I want three girls (from different countries naturellment – all the colours of the rainbow as you mentioned) but I’m pretty sure Carl will want a boy at some point.. XP Boys are a bore to sew for and so messy..(superficial I know but obviously I have to focus on my needs as I will be the mum!). Besides, unwanted girls seem to get the worst of it and I’d rather save a few than ‘create more’. XD
People say things to us like ‘but don’t you want your own’ to which I respond they will be our own! We are friends with a couple where the lady (smokes to much, drinks to much, has had health problems all her life) refused to even try adoption and spent the last three years suffering from in vitro treatments (oh god the hormones.. XP) before finally squirting out one of ‘her own’. Logically I know there is a biological urge but the amount of money these people blew on the treatments would’ve educated 10 third world kids and fed them for years.
Andy says
Good on y’all. Have you thought about what kind of agency, governmental, NGO, etc?
theperfectnose says
Not sure, we were thinking to start with good lawyers first, apparently Australian immigration isn’t in favour of children being ‘brought in’ (they would rather pay people $5000 to have kids). Friends of ours relocated to Indonesia because their adopted kid was from there and they just had way too much trouble trying to get her into Australia.. XP
Australia had this baby bonus thing (seriously) where anyone that had a kid got $5000 (you can imagine the kind of people that would give an incentive to.. so then there was this rash of teenagers having kids because they ‘wanted the plasma screen tv’ so now they give you the money in instalments to ‘better incentivize’ the process..XD Gay friends of ours had trouble adopting too. We’re still a couple of years away from adopting but I reckon lawyer up now, sort out all the legality then it should be smoother sailing in the future…
Andy says
Never too early to start planning. As my pappy always says “Those who fail to plan plan to fail.”
I didnt realize Aussie immigration was so tough. Will your friends be in Indonesia indefinitely?
Japan has a similar “baby incentive program” run by the govt but it more just covers the cost of dr visits and hospital stays. They do it in the form of coupon stubs to give the various drs if I remember correctly. I went through the process but was more tangential to the situation due to lack of Japanese.
Hope the lawyer doesn’t turn you off the process. personally too much time spent with an attorney would make me reconsider any action.
Andy says
Good on y’all. Have you thought about what kind of agency, governmental, NGO, etc?
cynthia says
“then a couple mixed kids who look nothing like Chie or me and are black, dark yellow or some other shade in the rainbow.”
Tee hee hee. Who knows how mixed kids come out. 🙂
I would like to say that it is important to keep in mind that whatever culture they’re adopted from, please educate them in their culture! Nothing makes me more sad than to see a child lose their background.
Andy says
Impossible I think. If, for example, the kid has blood from someone in the Congo, besides a shallow, here’s a history of “your home” what imma do? I have no idea what tribe or subculture or family culture he would have been brought up in so a general “your African” so let’s do a school project on Nelson Mandela I can’t do much to show him the mother land. Also he’s my kid raised in my house with my values a white reformed Presbyterian opiniated loudmouth from Philly…even trying to pretend to raise him with a particular cultural sensitivity would seem screwy and leave the kid with more questions.
If the adopted kid wants to see the homeland someday…Godspeed and enjoy. Anymore than that just seems like pandering.
Madie Gustafson says
Hello! I know I’m late to comment but I thought I’d still share! I’m so happy for your family undertaking the adoption process! My prayers go out to you throughout this time. I only wish there were more people like you who felt as you do regarding adoption. Thought I’d give you a bit of an encouraging word being as that I am adopted.
My father is an adoption attorney and my oldest brother was adopted from my home state (Washington) and my other brother was biological. Then I came along. I was born in Korea and my birth mother left me at a hospital where I was placed into foster care until I was adopted by my amazing parents. Adoption has always been a part of my family and has shaped me into the person I am today. Yes, there were many nights of crying (still are) and not understanding why I was given away and there is still some pain from being adopted but when I think about the 2 people that choose me and wanted me across the ocean I feel nothing but gratitude. I feel blessed to have had parents that yearned for me and it didn’t matter what I looked like or where I came from. I needed them and they needed me. I don’t look like my brothers or parents and they don’t look like me. We are all different and unique. We were raised to see the beauty in our differences. I asked my mom once if picking me up at the airport felt any different from giving birth to my brother Garth. She said no. It was the same experience because although she ‘grew’ Garth inside her, she ‘grew’ my brother Gavin and me within her heart.
My husband is white and I’m Korean so we already are a mixed bunch! We want babies and we don’t care where they come from. Just like your family joking about one day having a colorful mix of a family we hope to have the same thing. Family is family regardless of blood or race. Adoption to me shows God’s love in the most powerful way. Blessings on your journey ahead!
Madie
Andy says
Madie,
Chie and I always appreciate hearing about people’s adoption stories. Many thanks for sharing. I was out this weekend and happened to over hear a couple of people talking about adoption. They were under the impression that it is impossible to get past the biological non biological divide and would always feel differently toward the children and so could never adopt even though they had thought about participating in the process. Reading stories like yours help make you realize that such fears are really not worth having.
Layne says
Nice article and lovely to hear from people so open to adoption. However, as an adoptive mom x 4, you should know that to phrase the process of having a biological child vs the process of adopting a child as ” make a baby, buy a baby” is completely tasteless. Terrible wording and borderline offensive. Imagine how our adoptive children would feel being referenced as “bought.” Talk about objectifying our precious children.