Andy why the vulgarity? I’ll tell you! This is directed at no one here in particular. But, I am quite sick of receiving parenting advice. Recently, Chie and I were subjected to the torture of receiving advice from a woman we met for the first time. The nature of the conversation was irritating in and of itself (bullying of multiracial children in Japan, a topic which I will explore more next time), but to add insult to injury this woman went on to give a good 30 minutes worth of useless unsolicited parenting advice. She then topped it off by telling us how wrong we were and smiling in anticipation of our “someday realizing it”, when both we and our daughter are miserable. Go Screw lady!
Advice on parenting is a tricky thing. On one level people both want to receive it and give it. Every parent has an opinion and every parent thinks they are correct. But, even the best and most confident parents like new ideas and all appreciate helpful tidbits. Chie a while ago was turned on to giving Kiko a nap while out and about by putting her in the carrier as opposed leaving her in the stroller. It was brilliant advice and worked like a charm! But, we were friends and she told us this in a way that wasn’t advice as much as just talking about what she herself does. Generally however, nobody wants your stupid condescending unrequested guide to parenting. I don’t care at all what pop psychology “wisdom” you stole from Dr. Phil and are now trying to pass of as your own, nor am I interested in hearing all things that you see that I am doing wrong. I am certainly not interested in seeing you smile gleefully as you contemplate my misery because I’ve rejected your advice. Again I repeat, Go Screw!
I’m sure I’ve broken my own rule and given unsolicited wisdom but I’ve tried as conscientiously as possible to minimize it. I can allow for some pointers as long as you seem genuinely interested in my betterment. But when you give advice just to prove your brilliance and greatness…Go Screw!
Here’s some unsolicited advice for ya’ll: unless you’re asked and I mean really asked for advice, shut up and keep it to yourself. Unless you see some poor parent at wits end making some obvious mistake that can be easily resolved…shut up.
Advice, training, support and guidance are wonderful and necessary for everyone but as a tangential friend or especially a new acquaintance, stuff your pearls of wisdom deep deep down until begged by someone to reveal your treasure trove of parenting knowledge.
Next time you get unwanted parenting advice, give them a retort worthy of their effort “Go Screw!” you can tell them Andy sent you.
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theperfectnose says
ahhahahaha your posts always crack me up. At the risk of setting you off again, what was she on about anyway? I don’t respond well to people like that. Correction I respond in a way which is hilarious to everyone but the person I’m responding to. Unsolicited advice is always crap so try not to dwell on it. However, unsolicited advise is justified if a kid is acting out (bullying others, temper tantrum, destruction of property etc etc) and the parents are ignoring it (or prompting the kid to act out further). However, as I strongly doubt either of you falls into that category, I revert to my original statement, ignore it/ make fun of the offender,thus offending them more than they have offended you and then ignore it XD
Andy says
On one level I appreciate receiving opinions (especially now living in Japan where people are so reticent to discuss things at all) but its all in how the other person comes at me. If they think I’m wrong that’s ok I probably am but my detractor must be willing to deal with the fact that they themselves could be wrong. Also, I don’t mind correction if it’s done with a spirit of charity not your wrong and I hope you acknowledge your own stupidity in my presence one day.
I’ll elaborate more on why this particular advice set me off….if Chie allows!
Patty says
Hello from Australia, Andy
I agree with you. I always tell people that I don’t have any advice as a mother of a toddler; I only share with them what I’ve tried and if it works or not. And then again, I qualify that every child in different.
May God continue to grant you and Chie wisdom and grace in dealing with people that try your patience.
God bless,
Patty
Andy says
Many thanks Patty!
I do the same with talking about my, and other peoples offspring. Generally, unless the person is really tight with me, I won’t give advice even if it is requested. The “Hey Andy what do you think about….” line is kind of a trap. I am super opinionated and generally sound more aggressive than I mean to so I try and avoid the aforementioned trap altogether by utilizing complete silence.
theperfectnose says
So you start with “I think you can’t handle the truth.. ” XD
Vicki says
When my kids were babies, I got A LOT of criticism from one part of my family about the way we handle them. They thought we “picked up our kids too much”, were “too attentive” and “spent too much time with them” ?!? My best reply was, “Well, that’s what YOU choose to do with your kids and I wouldn’t think of critisizing YOUR choices.” People usually understand the unspoken second part of that sentence, which is “…so why do you dare criticise mine?” If they didn’t understand the unspoken part, then I felt I had every right to say it much more bluntly to them!
Unfortunately, it’s often the people with the loudest opinions that have the worst ideas. Those of us who feel happy and confident in our families don’t feel the need to boss others around. If someone asks outright for help, then by all means I tell them my experience about what worked best for me, but always with the caveat that it may not work for them, because every kid / family / person is different. If we were all the same, we would be raised by robots and not loving parents. Ganbatte!
Andy says
Favorite line of your post “Unfortunately, it’s often the people with the loudest opinions that have the worst ideas”
theperfectnose says
You may want to print out this article for their reference… http://arstechnica.com/science/2012/05/revisiting-why-incompetents-think-theyre-awesome/
Andy says
Crappy, crappy day. Thank you for the laugh. Great article by the way