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How was your Labor Day? I planned on going to the beach (even made a bathing suit for the baby for the occasion!), but the weather didn’t look good so we decided against the idea. It turned out that it didn’t rain so we could have gone to the beach, but oh well. We went to a zoo instead. There is a free zoo in Kawasaki, called “Yumemigasaki zoo“. It’s closed to my dad’s office, so we stopped by to say hello to him then head to the zoo.

It was fun, and Kiko really enjoyed the squirrel monkies, the kind that’s yellow, small and jumps around a lot. She was laughing out loud as if that’s the funniest thing she’s ever seen!

I’ve wrote in the past that being a mom makes me feel all kinds of emotions that I had not experienced. I wrote in my diary 15 that I got angry at Kiko. Another emotion that I find myself often experience since becoming a mother is guilt. I had not felt guilty much before having her. But now I often find myself feeling guilty.

I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my baby. I went back to work full time a couple of weeks ago. After working for 8 hours, I’m only left with a couple of hours before Kiko goes to bed at 7pm. I try to make a best of it. I play with her, bath her, feed her and put her to bed. But often I’m left with feeling guilty for not being with her for a whole day.

After a couple of weeks of working and feeling guilty, I felt exhausted. I have all these things that I want to cram into in my to-do list for a day, and there is no way I accomplish all that. I talked to my friend, who is a mother of 5 year old. She goes to school full time and her daughter is in a daycare while she is in school. She has about two hours with her daughter before she goes to bed. I asked her if she ever feels guilty, and she said she doesn’t, she just takes it as it is. I think her answer kind of freed me up… I should take the best of situation that’s given to me.

The other kind of guilt I’ve been feeling is something I would never get over. I love my daughter to death. She is so sweet, she makes me smile and I can’t even think of a life before her or without her. But I love myself much more than I love Kiko, and it was so sad to have realized that. I care so much more about myself than I care about Kiko. Not until I became a mother, had I not realized how sinful and selfish I (or we human beings) am, and I always have to ask forgiveness for that..

Moms, do you ever feel guilty? How do you deal with that kind of emotion?