beginner

…I have not been sleeping much….Our bed hovers over Chie’s sewing space. In that sewing space sits, what will forever be known as “The Machine”. It is a machine, an inanimate object, surely I know this….but still, I feel at times, it senses me, it knows I am there and it mocks me. Sometimes as I hear Chie sewing, I can, in not sew (hahahahaha still funny) audible words hear “The Machine” speak. It never speaks kind words mind you. It always says the same thing….”Andy, Andy, come on down, try and make me work….try and make me sew…..try and make a skirt, it won’t be so hard.” And then….it laughs that laugh! That mocking laugh. It is possessed and the only way to conquer “The Machine” is to beat it, to beat it at its own game.

So, we push forward. Onto chapter 2 “Using Patterns”. Apparently patterns are really important. Some chick named Coco used the same pattern a lot and now is pretty famous. Sounds like a lazy designer if you ask me. I watched Heidi Klum make people on Project Runway make dress for drag queens out of toilet paper and car parts…let’s see Mssssss. Coco do that!

Back to business, Tara St. James says “I like to play with patterns…” I like to play with video games, to each their own, I guess. Many patterns are based off of rectangles and squares, which are then manipulated into other shaps. That’s good. I can handle 4 sided objects. Allison, it seems hated patterns for a while and instead, for years,just wrapped fabric around herself like a mummy and sewed. Kind of ghetto, but I’m down with that. The patterns in this book seem pretty moron proof, they have “Front” and “Back” printed on them. We have been reduced to kindergartners, perhaps the main class is not sew (yup, still funny) far beyond me. I am a bit confused because it says that the book patterns include ‘style lines’ and ‘darts’. What the what now? Did I miss a page or a chapter somewhere.What the hell are either of those? SHHHHHHHH….Don’t tell I don’t know what those are, she will do one of the dances again. The sizing page looks very familiar to something else…what is it? Oh yeah,the periodic tables of elements. A-w-e-s-o-m-e! I failed chemistry. Why are Burda sizes different from U.S. sizes? And the bigger question is, why are both sizes different from actual measured sizes? I think sizing would be more fun if instead of numbers they used animal names. Instead of size 0 a.k.a 32, call it ‘mouse’. Or instead of 14/46 call it elephant! I think that would be more fun. Sorry, I’m getting distracted.

Measuring Yourself, is the next section. I came up during the FUBU hip hop era, I haven’t the slightest idea what actual clothing size my body should be wearing. This should be interesting. I should try this now and then after I do a weight cut for my next fight, might be interesting to see how many inches I lose off my body before a fight. It is telling me how to measure my bust…do I really need that? Hip and waist I can see, but bust? God, my friends are going to mock me sew (Yes! I got 1 more in) bad for measuring my bust size. It wasn’t bad enough just sewing, but now this!

Well, here are my measurements ladies. Fatter than I should be but I’ll be slowly working my way down. I am curious what I am going to do with these measurements. All the clothes patterns in this books is book are for, you know, non-male types. The measurements will go to waste. Maybe there is a chickiddy that has the same measurements as me that I can make a dress for! Oh, on second thought I hope not…a women who could wear clothes for a man with an 18 inch neck and hips trained for 400lb squat repetitions is probably a women to be feared and avoided.

Bust: 40.5
Waist: 33
Hip: 35
Sleeve Length: 22
Neck Width: 15.5
Side Leg Length: 37
Front Waist Length:38
Upper Arm Circumference: 15

Well, today was productive, and best of all I didn’t have to fight “The Machine”. If only I could figure out how to avoid him/her (I can’t tell which gender it is) at night life would be perfect. Until next week ladies

Shaking with excitement I am about to crack the Burdastyle sewing opus! You dream about days like this…I can only ask how, how did I get so lucky! Chie isn’t here at the moment. She is out getting drunk and dancing on tables with some of her friends in Tokyo. That means I am going at this alone for the night. Let’s begin the journey.

Page 20 (I like this book because there are many pictures, the type is large and it makes me feel like I am reading more pages than I actually am). “Your Sewing Machine” Let’s kick this pig! Alison and Nora (The authors I think) have happy nostalgic memories of their sewing machines according to page 22. They have machines handed down from cute grandmothers covered with stickers and love. My memories of the sewing machine are of Chie yelling “You suck, what happened!?!?”, I guess that’s comparable. Gnarly, there are 2 kinds of stitches straight and zigzag, I would have assumed only 1. We have unfortunately, hit a problem…this book is now talking about maintenance. Sadly, I don’t do maintenance very well…not at all really. Using WD-40 and untangling knots are Chie’s jobs. Yes, I am a poor excuse for a husband. There is a section to ye ol book about procuring your very own magical sewing machine. The book recommends having a professional check the device before purchase, just to be safe. I didn’t know the world had so many sewing machine con artists looking to rip you off that you need to employ a pro! You sewers live a crazy life.

OK, actual sewing procedure 1 ‘Threading the Sewing Machine’! I am now sitting at Chie’s glorious machine about to thread the needle…this is so exhilarating I can barely breathe. There are a ton of instructions for threading a needle, how frigging difficult can it be? It’s been 20 minutes and I still can’t find the bobbin… I need some comfort food. Damn straight! I found it finally! Now the bobbin has been fully bobbinized! I am onto threading my machine! Damnnnnnnnn Ittttttt. The thread never goes through the needle eye. It mocks you at every attempt. Thankfully after much swearing and crying, I threaded the needle. I thought all had been going well but I have no idea if I threaded this stupid bobbin and needle correctly. I only see 1 string and the according to the books picture I should see 2. How and why should there be 2? I really wish Chie were home.

Now I get to learn all about presser feet. Man, this is scintillating. Apparently the all-purpose foot is well, all-purpose, whereas the zipper foot is, shockingly, for zippers. I think that section was unnecessary. On to the wide world of needles. It seems that there is a sizing discrepancy in sewing. The damn Europeans use some kind of weird sewing metric system. Even more problematic are the Germans who sometimes add a letter “H” where numbers should be in their sewing schema! This is anarchy. I have now come to a section describing a ball-point vs sharp needle difference. It says the ball-point is rounder. If i stab myself with it, will it still hurt? Yes, in fact it does. It does not feel any “rounder”. I need a band aid. Well, I have failed. I am looking at the sewing machine and although I have threaded both the needle and the bobbin, I am lead to believe something is wrong. Chie’s machine started smoking when I pushed the peddle….Just kidding. But in all seriousness I am pretty sure something is wrong. i am definitely not in a physical, emotional or spiritual place were I feel ready or confident to sew anything, particularly without Chie’s approval. I don’t know what fabric I am allowed to creatively use anyway so I will wait for Chie or “The Warden”, as I like to call her, to return home and fully check my work and give me the go signal for using the actual device. I’m a little sad and a little depressed at how long this took. I started at 7:30 and it is now 9. I read only 4 pages and still not entirely sure what a ‘throat plate’ is. I do not believe it takes Chie 1 1/2 to thread the sewing machine.

Related post:
Golden Gloves to Hemline: Pt. 1 Getting Started